In the Marvel Cinematic Universe series we go from one of the Golden Boys all the way to its Bastard Child. Yes this film is called the bastard child of the series because of a few reasons. Technically this is a reboot from that Other Hulk film by Ang Lee in 2003 with Eric Bana as the lead, Jennifer Connelly as Betty Ross, and Sam Eliot as General Ross. We go from that interestingly AWESOME cast to Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, and William Hurt as the General. We’ll see only one of them later on . . .MUCH later on. Interestingly enough this is a Universal Film. This was when Marvel was looking for ANYONE to release their movies. Plus I think Universal owned the rights because of the last one. . . anyway I’m sure they’ll find a stable partner soon. I know I know I’m rambling on. Let’s go this over with.
Dr. Bruce Banner was a mild mannered scientist who was working with the Military to recreate Some Super Soldier Serum they used in WWII. That story is for another time. So they try one formula it turns him to a Large Green Monster filled with unstoppable rage. He hurts his Girlfriend and her Father the General all within the first 2 minutes. Its basically telling us what we already know about the character. You know like that shitty way Zack Snyder opened up his wannabe Civil War Movie. The opening Montage is General Ross on a manhunt looking for Banner smoking a Cigar semi rapper style bad ass. Hey was that Tony Stark’s name I just saw?
Anyway we cut to over 5 months later in Brazil with Banner learning various meditation techniques. Adjusting his life, learning the language, and having a steady job at a Factory. That is till his blood gets in a bottle of Soda that a wannabe Hugh Hefner drinks up. Wait how is a wannabe Hugh Hefner drinking Brazilian Soda. He has the hots for this one girl who really needs to learn his backstory before accepting a date with him. Afterwards he posts a picture of Betty Ross . . . I mean come on I thought Super Heroes were pure and uptight about that thing. Now he has this weird flower he thinks can “Cure” his predicament. It doesn’t work of course cause that’s how MacGuffins work. He’s talking to this weird guy over email who wants to meet him. Then he says that he wants Banner’s blood. Kids stay away from creepy people online.
General Ross and Hey its the Hotel Clerk from the John Wick films. They pick up Mr. Orange to help them out (don’t worry this time he’s still on the evil side) They kill 2 dogs to prove their evilness. Have a badass action sequence. Edward Norton runs. He runs until his muscles burn, until his veins turn into battery acid. Oh crap he needs to slow down before he morphs into that Green Monster thing. Then he runs some more. Until he encounters both those bullies and Mr Orange’s crew. His power level goes to 9000 and Remember that Green Monster I said he could turn into? Well it’s not pretty but escapes. Mr. Orange is none to happy about it. I wouldn’t be either if I had a forklift thrown at me.
Bruce wakes up in the rainforest in Guatemala. Somehow he makes it to Mexico gets across the border and finds his way Home to Culver University. He see’s the Love of his life and is disappointed that she’s met someone else. Like he was so pure that he also didn’t find anyone else. I gripe on but he somehow evades Campus Security by bribing the ORIGNIAL Hulk with a pizza. I thought my security was lazy. Wait does Lou Forigeno really need a pizza? Banner tries to find his data on that serum project. He finds nothing and has to relay the bad news to his creepy internet friend. He’s really begging to meet. Man that’s weird to do. Banner pusses out on running into Betty. So Betty finds Bruce because that’s what True Alphas do. They reunite as if neither of them had anyone else in their life.
Meanwhile Blonsky really really wants to become a Super Soldier. I mean he wants the mind of now with the body of 10 years ago. So thanks to what little serum they have left they happily turn him into a micro Captain England. Then they find Bruce and Betty and have the action scene that Trailers die to have. Tear gas transforms Jack the Narrator into the Hulk. Hitchcock zooms later he evades gun fire tanks Then he takes on the real enemy Captain England II. They try weaponized sound waves. Wait that’s a thing? We need to go into ISIS camps playing Paris Hilton songs. Wait Why is Betty’s now ex here does he know what she’s been up to? Oh who cares about that. Hulk and Betty decide to recreate King Kong/ Ann Darrow. For the first time in the MCU proving that Hulk only wants to turn back into Banner because even a monster can’t deny Man’s 2nd Head. They finally find the creepy guy from the internet and go figure he’s a nerd
Despite all the awkward scenes we learn Banner’s intentions and motivations. Him reliving the moments of this green Monster who destroys and rampages all over the place. Makes him want to get rid of it. He doesn’t want to fight. He wants to stay out of it. He’s the Man who’s the strongest who never wants to prove his strength.
So they try an experiment to “cure” Dr. Banner. I think it’s through a dialysis machine with some Electroshock thrown in. Is this a modified Science Experiment or Bellevue Hospital in the 1800s? They try the Antidote and it repluses Hulk back to Banner. It seems to work. Dr. Blue freaks the hell out and gives Banner bad news that he’s copied his blood and can cure disease as we know it. Yes we all know how horrible that is.
Intercut through all this is the fact that Blonsky has more broken bones than Evel Knievel. However his heart is stong. Kinda strong like that guy they used in World War II. Captain England II somehow fully recovers in three minutes and demands another rematch. Hey it’s those SHIELD guys again. Mr Orange is slowly turning into a Monster but he’s not telling anyone. Mr. Orange REALLY wants to fight Hulk . . .except it’s the end of the second act and not time yet. Blue decides to give Blonsky the full serum so he can become a Monster of his own. It was either that or die. After Mr. Orange gives his consent he becomes more than a Monster More than a Man. He becomes. . .An Abomination. He also leaves Mr. Blue with his head cut open and Banner’s blood dripping into it. I’m sure we’ll see more of that in the sequel. RIIIIIGGGGHHHTTT???
The Abomination again proves he’s evil by just destroying most of New York. To say Blonsky went Rogue is an understatement. It was then that Bruce realized that he was the only one who could stop him. Bruce didn’t want to get into this fight but he knew it was the only way to save the Woman he loves. He kisses Betty who lets him fall out of a Helicopter and one more time MORPHS into the Hulk. We finally get the Third and Final contest of Hulk vs Abomination: DOES HARLEM MATTER?
They beat up each other destroying the city in the process. Hulk wins or should I say SMASHES and conveniently Banner disappears. Ross is left to clean up his mess and drown his sorrows in a local Watering Hole. He’s approached by that Tony Stark fellow who tells General Ross about “Putting Together a Team” Wait why go after Ross when SHIELD can track Banner their own special way? Anyway we’ll see Iron Man again. . . Actually we’ll see him next week. When I go over Iron Man 2.